The Random Reporter

This LeBron James debacle is really throwing me for a loop. I mean, before the guy makes his decision everyone loves him and sings his praises. After he makes his choice — signing with the Miami Heat, in case you’ve been living under a rock — everyone’s a critic. I heard people in Cleveland were actually burning their LeBron James jerseys today. BURNING. THEIR. JERSEYS. Just a tad dramatic, Ohioans. Besides, last time I checked book burning-style rituals were so totally 19th century. Get with the times, people.

But, don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to start feeling bad for self-professed King James either. Besides being offered a buttload of money for shooting a ball into a basket and making a sweaty headband look kind of cool, the athlete had tons of other perks at his fingertips during negotiations.

Back in May, I wrote a story after interviewing the manager from Scores strip club in New York who offered LeBron a free VIP pass for life if he joined the Knicks. Like a good random reporter, I asked if that lifetime offer meant he could visit even after he was long retired, like when he’s in his 80s — the ultimate peak of perviness for dudes. Old men are the freshest. He said yes, free lapdances for LeBron until he was old and wrinkly. Literally FOR LIFE.

Then I called my friend Dennis Hof who runs the Nevada-based brothel, The Moonlite Bunny Ranch featured on HBO’S Cat House, just to see what goodies he was willing to pony up for LeBron.

Hof, having major ties to high-profile celebs who visit the Bunny Ranch from Los Angeles, told me that he’d rather see LeBron play for the Lakers, and if he went that route, he’d hook him up with a free “booty pass” for life. Let your imagination run wild because, yes, it’s as inclusive as it sounds.

Finally, Sapphire Gentlemen’s Club in NYC got in on the Knicks bribe last week too. The VP there told me in an interview that they’d painted a giant mural of LeBron’s face on the side of the building to sweeten the pot. If LeBron chose the Big Apple, the club would be his own personal playground. Wonder what Sapphire is going to do with the mural now? It’s seven feet tall, so I’m thinking it’s going to be pretty hard to just ignore upon entry. Talk about aaaaawwwwwkward.

Well, although it appears LeBron will be missing out on free strippers galore and the coveted “booty pass,” I doubt he’ll have much trouble scoring with the ladies.

Afterall, as the kids say, he’s in Miami, trick.